i am famous. i'm a porn star.

adorable!

2009-01-14T15:38:00.002+08:00

what can i say? he is a baby!

FREAK LIKE ME - SUGABABES

2009-01-08T13:23:00.001+08:00

1. Put your iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 or more friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
What's Up - 张惠妹

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Rock Me In - Britney Spears

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
爱你爱到… - 李玟

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
男人最痛 - 许志安

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
99分的幸福 - 元若蓝 & 安东尼

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
赤裸的秘密 - 林忆莲 & 张国荣

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
逆光 - 孙燕姿

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
中意他 - 梁咏琪

WHAT IS 2+2?
Searching My Soul - Vonda Shepard

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
不能承受的感动 - 郑秀文

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
真的想你 - 顺子 & 杜德伟

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
暗花 - 卢巧音

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Thinking of You - Katy Perry

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
All I Want Is You - Barry Louis Polister (Juno OST)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
马德里不思议 - 蔡依林

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
对爱投降 - 张惠妹

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Just Might (Make Me Believe) - Sugarland

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
We're All In This Together - High School Musical Cast

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
假装 - 蔡依林

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
外套 - 动力火车

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Mungkin Nanti - PETERPAN

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
千里之外 - 周杰伦 & 费玉清

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
September - Earth, Wind and Fire

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Endless Road - JJ 林俊杰

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Boggie Wonderland - Brittany Murphy (Happy Feet OST)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You - Heart

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
I Believe - Tata Young

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE
童话 - 光良

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Wake Me Up When September Ends - GreenDay

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Freak Like Me - Sugababes

a scary 5pm appointment

2008-12-31T17:34:00.001+08:00

i was on the chair, the air-con was surprisingly cold despite the humid weather.
i was praying for the worst. i always have a low tolerance of pain.
he was patient. but his breath was bad for a dentist.
he was cheerful and smell of cigarettes.
i held my breath when he was explaining the whole procedure to me.
he was yakking non-stop on how everything will be alright.
after moments of drilling and yanking and pausing...
my stubborn tooth was out, in 3 pieces.
now, half my cheek is swollen and numb.
i'm actually enjoying the numbness up to my right ear.
it's still bleeding.
and i'm hungry.
goodbye 2008, here's a tooth to accompany you.
it's wisdom-ism.

Angelic Behaviour

2008-12-19T15:17:00.003+08:00

it's X'mas!:

People are always asking me what my favourite past time is. Well, OK, that’s not strictly true. What they actually ask me is: “What do you do all day?” Which is a rather rude way of saying they think I’m incredibly lazy. But I’m the sort of gal who says my glass is half-full anyway, so really, it’s all water off a duck’s back.

So when people ask me what my favourite past time is, I always say that I wait for the arrival of the latest Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. “I spend my year looking forward to it,” I say without the slightest sense of embarrassment.What’s that you say? You don’t see what’s so great about the show? It’s just a bunch of women in their underwear?

That’s like saying tennis is just two people hitting a ball across the net. That a Maserati is just a car. Or that Gisele Bundchen is just a girl with two legs.

This year’s show took place in Miami on a giant crescent shaped stage and it was a doozy. There were great music, lots of gorgeous girls in underwear, wings of twigs and cobwebs and slinky costumes. There was Usher. There was a rainstorm of red rose petals. And Heidi Klum.

“Someone needs to lock her up and throw away the key,”

“It’s unnatural that she’s had ten kids and still looks like that!”

“She’s a freak of nature!”

I've to say this year's wasn't as fabulous as last's. I miss Tyra and Gisele... oh and i think Lady GaGa is hot! PooooKkkeerrrr Faacee~~ i'm turning 24. i love this age! FAB!

OCBC Singapore Theatre Festival

2008-07-11T12:36:00.001+08:00

check this out:

http://www.singaporetheatrefestival.com/

am i lost?

2008-06-01T22:33:00.002+08:00

can you tell me? i miss going to school. not that i don't love my work. it's a whole new different feeling all over. my taste in so many subjects, objects have changed. not to mention, i love to BITCH alot nowadays. i'm not perfect. i know that. BITCHing kinda relaxes something off my chest. and i realised too, i've an anger in me that has yet to explode. it's scary. i don't know why am i containing it. i know it will come out soon! NOT NOW, but SOON. i've been trying to curb my bad eating habits. trying to fit into the skinny jeans that is hanging behind my door. i want to be committed to not just a person but a lot of other things to. i know i can do it. i just have not put my heart in it. i love to hear others pour out their problems and solving it for them. recently, i realised how much i love to make people smile and laugh... a simple gesture, card or even a stalk of flower. sounds sad? haha. maybe. but that feeling... it's wordless. i know that feeling. it happen not once but tons of times... i realised how much i miss that feeling. ahhh... Sunday night coming to an end. A crazy week ahead. i will commit to a week of work and weekends are all mine...

i'm selfish that way.

B.U.S.Y

2008-03-11T11:20:00.002+08:00

The Singapore International Film Festival

The Princess Of Nebraska Date: 04 April Time: 9.15pm Venue: Lido 1
The Man From London Date: 06 April Time: 4.15pm Venue: Lido Classics
Irina Palm Date: 06 April Time: 7pm Venue: Lido 3
Bakushi Date: 07 April Time: 9.15pm Venue: Lido 3
Jihad For Love Date: 08 April Time: 7pm Venue: National Museum
I'm Not There Date: 09 April Time: 9.15pm Venue: Lido 1
Annie Leibovitz: Life Through A Lens Date: 10 April Time: 7pm Venue: National Museum
The Last Mistress Date: 12 April Time: 4.15pm Venue: Lido 3
Lucky 7 Date: 12 April Time: 7pm Venue: Sinema
I just Didn't Do It Date: 13 April Time: 7pm Venue: Lido 3

If interested, please visit the following website: http://www.filmfest.org.sg/index.php

The Singapore Arts Festival

The King Lear Project : A Trilogy (Asian Premiere) Ho Tzu Nyen/Fran Borgia (Singapore) Commissioned by the SAF and the Kunstenfestivaldesarts (Brussels) Date/ Time: 13 June/ 8pm Venue: Drama Centre
Temple (World Premiere) Cake Theatrical Productions (Singapore) Date/ Time: 19 June/ 8pm Venue: Drama Centre
Nine Hills One Valley Ratan Thiyam & Chorus Repertory Theatre of Manipur (India) Date/ Time: 10 June/ 8pm Venue: LASALLE college of Arts
Rhinoceros Eugene Ionesco Directed by Zizi Azah Full Frontal Date/ Time: 12 June/ 8pm Venue: Esplanade Theatre Studio

If interested, please visit the following website: http://www.singaporeartsfest.com/

A.L.O.N.E @ N.I.G.H.T

2008-02-11T03:41:00.001+08:00

alone. bored. can't(want)sleep. anyone? oh. by.the.way... Happy Lunar New Year. still(want)sleep.

we love each other (we are not gay)

2007-12-12T16:24:00.001+08:00

in your FACE

2007-10-23T15:52:00.000+08:00

One of the perils of living in the 21st century is how easy it is for people to get hold of you.

“Where were you this morning?’ my mother demanded accusingly the other night, staring at me across our dinning table. “You weren’t picking up your phone.”

I looked from my dinner and blinked. “I was in a meeting. Why?” “I just wanted to know what you were doing. Why didn’t you answer your phone?” She repeated.

I ignored her. And my dad constantly stuffed food on her bowl of rice. And last few weeks ago, before I became an official sucker. I’ve been getting a lot of emails inviting me to join Facebook.

Q: What’s a Facebook?
A: A meat market for sad single desperates… OR it’s a social network. You can meet friends from all over the world.

I scanned through some of these individuals; they have friends that lined up to 893! Not even the Pope knows that much people! Sometimes, I get dizzy flipping from one screen to the other as I read my messages!

It’s bad enough that complete stranger can now call me on my mobile to sell me dodgy holiday home packages and useless insurance policies. But to be available on an extra six channels which 893 people can get hold of you?

How it is humanly possible to stay in touch with so many people? So, does it mean if I look at their pictures to see if they are hot and what their hobbies are. And if I like them, I give them a poke.

And then?

An xxx fellow came up and whispered to me.

“And then, they poke you back! And if they live in the same city as you, you might actually do some actual poking!”

I sighed.

REPEAL 377A SINGAPORE!

2007-10-12T19:11:00.000+08:00

www.repeal377A.com

TWO EASY STEPS TO SUPPORT THE REPEAL OF SINGAPORE PENAL CODE SECTION 377A, which allows for the prosecution of any male who engages in consensual sex, in private or otherwise, with another male:

1) DOWNLOAD, PRINT, SIGN and DROP OFF (at designated locations) the Parliamentary Petition by 14 Oct 2007 (Sun); and

2) Sign the ONLINE Open Letter to the Singapore Prime Minister by 19 Oct 2007 (Fri).

NOTE: The Parliamentary Petition is not the same as the Open Letter. PLEASE SIGN BOTH.

Your immediate ACTION is greatly appreciated.

www.repeal377A.com

Video Music Credits:

With Every Heartbeat (Kleerup Mix) by Robyn (more)

Heavy Duty

2007-07-19T11:55:00.000+08:00

Salad Dressing:

How long does it take you to get ready to go out on a Saturday night? You grab a shirt out of the wardrobe, sniff it to check that it's not too rank, spray on some cologne if it is (because you’re going to be covered in cigarette smoke soon anyway, so what's the point of too clean a shirt, right?), squeeze into a pair of jeans, run the wax through the hair and you're all set. Easy.

Meanwhile, when a girl get ready for a night out on the town, it's like she's leaving the country forever, or going for the most important job interview in her life.

Take my girlfriend, Jeza. The drama starts about four hours before you're supposed to leave the house. She'll stand in front of her wardrobe and flip through the hangers. She'll take out a dress at random, put it up against her body and examine herself in the mirror. For aesthetic reasons that escape me (because I think she'll look hot in that dress), she'll sigh with dissatisfaction and put the dress back into the closet and pull out another one. I remember that dress and know that she's going to look amazing in that one too, but she sighs again and puts it back.

This process will continue for a good half hour by which time she will announce that she has nothing to wear, but she'll worry about it after her shower. And with that, she will disappear into the bathroom for two hours during which she will pluck, prune, pinch and preen before she exfoliates, trims, oils and massages. And then, she'll take a shower.

After which, she will spend some quality time in front of the bathroom mirror examining her damp body for flaws and defects. She will mentally compare herself with every girlfriend of hers who will be at the nightclub that night, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston and finally, she will contemplate plastic surgery.

I know all this is happening, because every so often, I'll poke our head into the bathroom and she will say that she's not ready yet and to stop bothering her. Meanwhile, I'm already dressed, watched a DVD, finished checking our email, called mum and drunk two cans of beer.

An hour after we were meant to be meeting our friends, the girl have changed outfits twice. And now, she's checking her shoe closet. After that, there's still make-up to put on. And I swear to myself that next Saturday night, I'm just going to stay home.

But that never happens. Because I’m in love. And I’ll never learn.

Discalmer Notice: The above text may be accurate or not; that is, it can give either a true or a false account of the subject in question. However, it is generally assumed that the author of such accounts believe them to be truthful at the time of their composition.

Porn Free

2007-06-19T20:44:00.000+08:00

The ambassador of porn:

Since I’ve been voted by my boys as A.O.P a.k.a Ambassador of porn. All thanks to Timo. He dug up the inner gay boy in me. Haha! No no, don’t get mistaken, I don’t have fetish for gay boys making out and bonking each other up. For me, I just love to SHARE. Sharing is good. =)

I have come to the terrible conclusion that the only way I will be able to retire rich at an age where I won’t yet need to be hooked up to a respirator and a wheelchair is to take on new careers as porn star director.

It’s a win-win situation. I will get paid to do something that MOST people are taping/downloading/buying desperately. I’m thinking cheap production values and quick shoots in Batam, heh, followed by a drive through at the bank to deposit my cheques!

Not surprise, I would expect my gay boys to take the idea seriously as they want a PIECE of the action (if you know what I mean). I’m SURE they will be obsessing over an appropriate stage name and working on the script for their debut performance, which largely involves a gym, skipping rope and a medicine ball for props.

I’ve already come up with a character name ‘Miss Pussy Poh Pan Ping!’ Ah yes, with the exclamation mark, it’s impactful! I want my opening scene of the movie at the back of the bus! I’m thinking the 190 as it zooms through Orchard Road. There’ll be a crash shot of the aunties at the bus stop as the camera cuts to my gay boys!

Maybe I could have my movie premiered at the new casino! I’m telling you, my act will put this country on the map! They’ll be talking about it for years! I’m still thinking about a career – switch to porn.

Will i be gay?

2007-05-06T18:07:00.000+08:00

What it could be:

I have a lovely relationship, a wonderful job, a bunch of friends supporting me. I'm in a good place right now. But at times, i can't help but look back over the years... what would i be if i were to score really well in my studies or even not be gay. hmmm...

I have never been an academic person. Well, my Maths started flunking when i'm in Primary 5. I went on to Normal Academic courses, spent 5 years in Assumption English School. I'm always in the crazy classes since my primary school days. I love arts, i hate maths and science. i can't never get the equations right. Despite all these failures in results, i kinda felt that i'm special. I hate doing the norms, maybe that's why i'm gay? I never really figure that out...

What IF i were to have a boyfriend during my teen days, and say, things worked out well for us, i might be working as a sales person now or the O.L [Office Lady] in the boring mini cubicle typing my data. Everyday, i wait for my dearest ah-boy to come n pick me up... occasionally, we might fight and i expect him to give in to me no matter who's fault is it.

When he proposed at the right time, i might say yes if i need not come out with any penny for the wedding. Oh, the man must be able to cook and clean the house well too. So, we will not have children, because i say so. Economic in Singapore does not allow couples to have time to date, let alone to have kids. They must be kidding...

It's not within our budget to have kids, too expensive to have children, mum[s] from both sides start nagging and i can't take nagging. Divorce might be the next option for the both is us... so, i will be single again, not wanting to have another BORING relationship with a man. I turn to woman. HEY, there you have it. I'm gay again!

So life is great for now. I can't wait for the next phrase to start. It might be crazy or scary but i guess i'm ready. i've grown up. Certain things have to let go, certain things have to move on. As long as i'm happy, i really don't care what the fvck people thinks.

I'm gay. period.

me.mine.i

2007-04-09T16:31:00.000+08:00

The day on its own:

Recalling: Blithe Spirit is opening in 2 days time. I’m immune to this sudden rush of blood to your body. And one thing for sure, I desperately want to get out of my mum’s claws. She is too much for me. The nagging and the biased shown for my brother. It’s way over the top!

Recapturing: I had a paranoidal moment over the weekend. I realised I can’t handle too much over-loading of negatives comments or even beings at one go. The whole issue of trusting and commitment. It got me thinking again. I was flushed!

Refreshing: I go nuts and get all tensed up. It’s not that I’m into a relax moment but I need time to calm down to settle my thoughts. I do not know is it because of the stress from work or the coming-out to my family [my cousins all knew about me] and the whole acceptance from my friends…

Re-enchanting: My girl and me? I decided to write a book about her. Since I’ve already named my MacBook, ‘Jeza-man’, I think I should give her credits for using her name as inspiration. I’m going to apply for Aussie PR and ensure a great future for myself. I want to be able to have a family of my own when I’m 35. =)

Review: My lifestyle needs to be a little lay-back. I’m saving up but not too much. It’s not looking good. I need to eat simple. i'm trying not to be fussy on bad food. Haha. Stop buying new shoes and clothes and bags and technology. I should cut down on my taxi expenses. Hmm.. I love buses still but I need my beauty sleep too! …

Regenerate: Exercise and sleep early. Do simple entertainment. Eat simple and light. Most of all, love everyone around you, works well for the Karma! Curse less and fight when you need to! So… we’ll see in 6 months time!

I love you, Ms J.Tan!

Crazy Fan-Base!

2007-02-26T17:14:00.000+08:00

i am waiting with bated breath for the arrival of the new iPhone. I can't open a magazine these days without some techno-wizard raving about its capabilities and its beautiful lines[curves], it's multi-functions... to name a few.

i remember being first in line to buy the iPod, in all its pure white, slim-line[curves], high- tech glory. To be honest, i didn't really care what it actually did - for all i knew it was a spare part for a life support unit - but i just thought it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!

i raced home with it after my aunt 'credit' for me [i'm getting her to buy me a mac book too], spent the next few months patiently uploading a gazillion of my favourite songs onto it, not sleeping as i obsessively organised and reorganised the song selection.

i've two cartons of cds all wrapped up nicely in my store-room. you can imagine the amount of songs i've to upload. The day i finished uploading everything and was ready to hit play, the second-generation iPod came out and it looked even better than the original. My lust for it overcame my roar of rage at all the time I've just wasted.

i was back at apple store again. This time round, half way through my uploading of songs, the third generation came out! it has a tv screen! So all in all, i bought the Ipod[w/o tv screen, full sensored buttons], the iPod mini, the iShuffle and the iPod with the tv screens. so now, i'm just waiting for iPhone to join the family.

Maybe i should get one of my single female friends to marry Steve Jobs, and even if he is not good in bed, who cares?! With all those gazillions, they can put up with anything. it's not as if anything interesting is happening in their beds right now! haha.

Maybe as i write this entry, they are busy making the 4th-generation of iPhone! alright alright, i'm a sucker for apple products. i bet after i get the mac book, i would wan to get the iMac, the slick screen and with no heavy fugly CPU like PC. oh, Steve, please slow down, you're not getting younger!

A life of 22

2007-01-25T11:08:00.000+08:00

Hello:

A year has passed. It’s the year 2007. I’ve since graduated from LaSalle-SIA College of the Arts for 2 year? Time seems to pass faster when you’re older. I remember the times when I was still a student. I can’t wait for the recess bell to ring or the day where I graduate.

School times are the best. I’m not saying that working is THAT bad, school allows you to have more freedom. As working means you’re independent. You pay your own phone bills, card bills; parents, own entertainment.

I’ve such expensive hobby. How I wished I wasn’t such a tech-freak. I’m a gadget freak! Everyone knows that and I can spend half my salary on a gadget. Haha… I guess to fulfill my own ‘fetish’ is hard at the moment. I have to watch my every penny.

when times get bad, I wished I have more time to earn more bucks but a long dreadful meeting, almost took away my energy for the day. Sometimes, I wonder how long do I have to work before I can call it quits and be able to do the thing that I am forced to do. My parents called it “Reality”! Or rather how much youth do I have left?

I want to travel around. I want to engage with people from across the globe. I want to learn exotic languages and strange habits. I want to tell tales that no one had heard of. I want to paint/draw/write like Shakespeare, well, maybe not him. I don’t really fancy his works. Haha.

Right now, I’m at a place that I’m comfortable and I love what I’m doing. I need to practise ‘saving’. I’m bad at that! Does anyone with suggestions? Maybe I should have a fixed account. Ah well, I’m 22 years old. Let me tell you about my life again when I’m 23. =)

Tryant her

2007-01-09T16:57:00.000+08:00

She yelled:

She demanded that I blog about her (playfully). She, I adore her so much at times, I find myself foolish. I am a fool who fell in love with the beautiful woman in her eyes. Timo threatened me, he asked me to be nice to her if not, he would ask for her hand.

She, her eyes that are so big and sparkly, I’ve to admit my goldfishes will have to hide behind that big rock of theirs in the tank. She, her eyelashes haven’t seen a curler in ages because of my one sentence: ‘your eyelashes looked shorter today.’

She, a scardy cat that hides in my shoulder whenever a bloody or moving scene appears. My shoulders are known to sooth her fear and my t-shirt are her towels to dry her tears. She never fails to make me smile stupidly in the public transport.

My smile will gradually expand on their sides when I’m scanning through our sweetest, nonsense, and tough times. All these times don’t come easily, we have our up(s) and down(s) too, like all couples out there.

We make it an effort to talk things through and never allow our fights to be carried over to the very next day. Give and talk, give and talk = compromise. I carry that in my heart. When things get rough, I cry it out. When things are cool, I laugh.

I love her. And for now, that’s all it matters.

COME and WATCH Jack & The Bean-sprout!

2006-12-08T16:24:00.000+08:00

Gala Night - JACK & THE BEAN-SPROUT!

2006-12-08T16:21:00.000+08:00

.i hate myself.

2006-11-21T12:02:00.000+08:00

A sobby night:

It started when we were talking about gifts and cards. She mentioned that it would not be nice that if I were to present/ surprise her in the office or anywhere with her friends around.

She is sensitive to her single friends and colleagues’ feelings but not mine. From my point, she is making all these ‘rituals’ seems like I’m purposely showing off our love. In some sense. YES! But who wouldn’t?!

I’m madly in love with her. I don’t care who say or thinks about us. I know us. And that’s all I care. It was just an innocent move to surprise her! Sometimes, I feel that what I did was a sin/crime/an offense to her.

I’m not saying it’s not good to be sensitive to single friends and colleagues. I just feel that she can give me something more. Maybe the whole ‘let’s celebrate every month of our anniversary’ was a dumb idea.

To think I could loudly say to everyone that, we will keep this ‘ritual’ alive as long as we are together. Of course to not knowing that things would end up this way. The buying of gifts or cards of our special day of each month means a lot to me.

It means that despite our busy days [as we are both in theatre line], we are able to spend sometime to think of each other and take in the effort to buy each someone a lovely something.

It need not be the most expensive thing but it’s the thought that counts. I can feel it when someone does not put effort in. it sucks. Well, maybe I suck. Our whole prospective of this ‘ritual’ has never meet a common track.

I feel empty for these few days. I felt I wasn’t me when I’m with her. I did not know this thing would hit me so much. I can’t believe that I cry for so long. I know I love her, I know we still have a long way to go, I know I have to move on and not being so hung up on this ‘ritual’.

But I’m not happy. For now.

A day flew by

2006-11-06T17:39:00.000+08:00

Norm:

It’s a pleasant day to star writing. It’s Monday. The ‘blues’ are coming to hit me soon. It’s evening time. I had a rather okay journey to work. No one smells beautifully. They all just smell good.

It rained during the early afternoon. It was cold. I was running around half of Singapore to print and I bought desserts back for everyone to enjoy. Time passes rather quickly today. I guess it’s because I’m being ignorant about the fact that there is a thing called ‘time’.

The first thing when I step into my office was to switch on my computer. The second was to pour some milk for me to drink. I need to fill up my stomach if not I’m an angry woman. I tried my temper, I know.

The worst day to come by is to listen to someone shout and yell for no reasons. She just likes to be loud. I wondered why. I will blast my music and sing along to it. I’m called the ‘Adobe Photoshop’ in my company.

The reasons are obvious. I design, I print and I produce the works. I like what I do. I would have my lunch near my office, it’s a market. It’s cheap and good. There is this lazy cat sleeping through-out the day and night. I thought it was dead, the first time I saw her.

I went home right after the knock-off time. I don’t believe in staying more than I should if I do not have any work to do. I like to conserve my energy. I have a long train journey home. I like to listen to music. I can’t do without them on my journey unless there is someone desirable to chat with.

I love my girlfriend. I know she loves me too. I would smile every time, I think of her. She is my pillar. I know it’s not easy being with her. I have my own difficulties too. The acceptance of friends and family is what I ask for.

I love her, my ah-meng.

this is short.

2006-10-19T16:04:00.000+08:00

this entry:

This entry is gonna be short.

I'm happy and fat. Not fat. But i'm gaining weight!!!

Keep on swimming... keep on swimming...

i told you it's gonna be short.

she says

2006-09-27T13:35:00.000+08:00

she says:

she says:
why never blog about me anymore?
she says:
*arms akimbo

It was a lovely evening. A very typical Tuesday evening, with birds chirping and clouds are being all blue and puffy. I got the above conversation from a special person that has been living in my heart for the past 9 months.

She wasn’t being angry or petty. She is being herself. The kind that speaks up when things goes wrong, the one that will show one’s upset when matters went out of hand. Of course, she wasn’t unhappy ALL the time. It’s just those moments that make me want to hug and kiss her more.

From what she said, the last I blog about her was in July. That was a whole two months! What have I been doing for the past 2 months? It’s a very simple routine that I’ve been doing for these past months. Every morning, I’ll wake her up. I’m her personal alarm. Every night before the day ends, I’ll kiss her goodbye over the phone. I’m her lover.

She says she want to have babies. I can’t wait for that day to come. The day that I could see her being a beautiful mummy, they say they have the lovely glow that one can ask for. Whenever she’s on my shoulder, I felt that I’ve conquer the whole damn world. Except in this case, it’s my world and hers.

She adores pouting. Sometimes, I wonder if that’s what she does in the early morning, facing the mirror, practicing. She has the perfect pout. The kind that CAN’T make you say no. I called it “not fair” every time she features her pout out gracefully.

Well, I apologized for the absence of you in my blog. Well, here you are, back again with a whole 6 paragraphs… I always like to talk about our past, don’t I? As I find it the simplest and the most sweet moment. Plus I get to see you blush, why not? What we have now, it’s more than sweet and simple… it’s a journey that we both learn the most of us in each day.

i love you, my girlfriend, my soul mate, my wife to be.

Distribution – efforts

2006-09-15T14:03:00.000+08:00

Quotation:

I passed by my primary school last night. I saw something that wasn’t around during my time. In the 90s. The school has been air-conditioned. There is an extra building beside it. I wonder what happen to my favorite area, the canteen?

I saw tons of banner hung up on the fence. It’s like a gimmick to get kids/parents to enroll in the schools. Why are they making school so corporate? Is it some kind like ‘more students in MY school, the MORE commission I get’ campaign? It’s no longer like ‘come school and learn and play’.

I wonder kids are so spoil nowadays. Pamper is the word. I watched Singapore Dreaming two nights ago. It’s very true. The whole ‘Zhong Nan Qing Nui’ [the favoring of boys more than girls] still stands in this 21st century, sad to mention that. I’m trapped in this family myself.

It’s sad going back to a house where my mum only recognize what my brother is doing and not me. The ironic thing will be that end of the day, when my brother does get married. I doubt he will be coming back to visit my mum as often as me… I do not want to make assumptions now nor do I want this line to come and bite me in the ass in 20 years time.

My brother is great. We talked very openly than we used to be. He knows about my sexuality and I know about his progress with who-which girlfriend. But what my mum can’t see is this bond me and brother has… anyway, I’m already spending most of my time in office.

Such things and my moods, it comes and goes. I can’t explain how and I don’t think there is anything I can do to change my mum. She just stays where she is now and don’t cross over my line. And don’t start asking questions like ‘you never concern about your brother!’… That might just make me blow off my top!

After all, I’m still my daddy’s girl. =)

Back to era?

2006-09-01T10:16:00.000+08:00

A day to think blank:

I never thought i would be so crazy in my life. Well, let's leave LaSalle days behind. But to join a Theatre company and actually enjoy what others might label it as 'crazy'. Life is werid. I do have to admit my immune system have been weak.

Again, i blame on lack of BCG injections. I've never had any of those! Well, those days, i could boast to my friends/classmates/teachers saying that i'm STRONG thus NO injection needed for me. OH well, it actually came one whole big round to bite me in my ass. haha.

Yesterday was fun. Fir, Sam, Jeza and me were out for dinner. The time came for us to fill in our feedback forms for Pepperlunch, we each fill in our own names with an addition Middle and Last name. It's hilarious. This is how it goes:
Sam: Samuel Admas Reynolds
Fir: Fir Ryan Reynolds
Jeza: Jeza Lucrece Reynolds
Me: Ellen Angie Reynolds

The weather have been making me a lazy person. Everything seems so practical when i've started working. No more slacking, no more nua-ing, no more late nights-out. I can only club during Fri or Sat. The weekdays are no-no for me.

i've been dying to get my big fat ass to work out. I need to buy a track shoes in order to run, a swim suit to swim. No more beer for me. Hmm, maybe just one pint per week. heh. Anyway, here i am in office, drinking my Soya Drink and had just finish my donuts and waking up the BIGGEST grounchy-kat in the world. =)

Cheers to life and LOVE.

The letter of pride

2006-08-14T17:23:00.000+08:00

Singapore Theatre Festival

2006-08-07T20:52:00.000+08:00

Book Fast!

Tickets are limited!

How humans treat soft toys.

2006-07-23T18:17:00.000+08:00

it surprises me:

A show after which landed a dinner cum supper. We had a lovely gathering at Arab Street. Catching up with one's love life and gossiping our next new/old scandals... it all come together as a natural thing in this group.

All thanks to my lovely girl, J. Tan. She provided me with all these happiness and of course 'happy' people! haha. As you readers know that I've a metrosexual pig called Holey Moley and she has this lovely black kat named Black Kat... pretty innovative... no?

All these while, B.K was ok. Until Eleine came and declare B.K as a blind Kat and ... HEY!! B.K = Blind Kat? How ironic!? Anyway, she started taking pictures of B.K lying flat on an empty CLEAN plate... pictures of B.K hanging herself...

We started with a whole new chapter on B.K life... i assume by now, Sam Woo would have already been pretty amazed or disgusted by our creative jucies flowing... My girl just mentioned to me last night that, before she even knew me, she wasn't such a soft toys-person... Ahhhh things change.

It's a pretty common sight to see me talking to me Holey Moley or even discussing with him on what he should do when he's zoned out... let him watch tv with me by my side.... etc. It's like part of my family. Pretty adorable i would say... haha.

OKie, i've to admit, this entry is just to fill another space.. thus i want to write about my soft toys... Let me know if you have issues with your soft toys.. i might be able to help you out! Till then, CHEERS!!!

so long?

2006-07-10T23:22:00.000+08:00

holey moley:

so, 5 months? Am i counting them right? as in, 1...2...3...4...FIVE? That lasts longer than any milk carton. Well, anything can last longer than a milk carton. You get my point. Move on, dude! My darling, Ms J.Tan.

Let's talk a little about her. How do i meet her? Our first email on 05th Dec 05, I started to have feelings for Ms J.Tan on 19th Jan 06. Why does it take so long? Because i'm a dense bucket of water. The way i look at her, i'm wondering to myself, what've i done to deserve her.

I'm no perfect being. I know that clearly but infront of her, i seem to be flawless. It kinda smoothen my ego. BUT that's not the point. She always gets me. She adore what i hate about myself. And as for the things i like, she love...

As she looks upon me from a distance, i could see that passion of love between us and a smile will be painted on me. At times, when i knew i had said something wrong was when she will keep quiet out of the blue or just gently lie on my shoulders.

Dearest Ms J.Tan, i know i can be a little playful with my words at times. And also my wandering eyes. But like what people will say, at the end of the day, you'll be the one i want to share your sorrows[less] and happiness[more].
For the rest of the days with me, i hope there will be endless days to happiness and none to sorrow. I love the way you smile, how your dimple form in your face and those lovely curly lashes of yours...
I apologised for the days i may have hurt or have already hurt you. I must have been possessed by the devil to have hurt those delicate heart of yours... those lovely, kind hearted soul...
I love you. And that's enough for you to know and for me to find out...

rolls of water...down the drain.

2006-06-26T22:53:00.000+08:00

I finally broke down...

I finally broke down, and cried real bad. As i was walking home, i held back my tears, either that or the wind was really strong that it blew my tears away. A message came in and part of it mentioned, "i miss you.." Awful memories of the past flash back right at the back of my mind. That's when the tears dropped...

I was looking forward on meeting her today. Plans changed (again) and thus we could not meet up. Somehow, i felt a sharp pain in my heart, but i do not understand how it could get so painful. Through-out my meeting, i was trying to make myself feel better but i failed. I realised how much i was disgusted with myself being such an ass, a petty ass!

Feeling angry with myself was one thing,
feeling upset with her was another.

2 years back, my ex love/like to stood me up on dates/ occassions/ normal outings etc. It was never a "YES" or "NO" answer. It ws always "see how", we'll see how it goes tomm" kind of replies. The fact that i cant get a proper answer from her make me feel like i'm hanging in the air. And when this matter happens, i will get very upset when she stood me up and she chose to ignore me for the next couple of days.

When the couple of days are due, there come a message that says "i miss you..." It's awfully familiar and i immediately felt a strong protective shield covering my heart up. If you miss a person so much, why cant you meet up with that person then?

Maybe Rachel is right, i've expected too much in this relationship. She was being so nirvana that day on msn, she type:"If things happened, it happens. If it doesnt, it doesnt." Maybe i should be in this nirvana state too. Loosen all my expectations and just let things be the way they are...

Who cares if she sleeps through all my morning calls, or being the least romantic person than me, or even has no clue of time... I don't care. Because i love her. SO much. Tho' it hurts... it's worth it... i know.

heart2heart

2006-06-11T21:37:00.000+08:00

J touches my nose.

2006-06-11T21:36:00.000+08:00

my shy J. Tan

2006-06-11T21:35:00.000+08:00

the fun!

2006-06-11T21:13:00.000+08:00

the boys... in us.

2006-06-11T21:12:00.000+08:00

The little lack of security

2006-06-02T18:39:00.000+08:00

i'm a little sad:

It always happen every now and then. I hate this kind of feelings. There's no way i can truely explain but it hurts a lot. It's the little things that is killing my little heart. I felt cold. It's sad, i'm sad.

Little things i expect from her. It always seems very far away. Or it never come... or it will come late. And in the end, i'll question myself all over again... "What's all this for?" It's sad, i'm sad. The little expectations always build up on it's own hype.

I'm worried that one day it will crash and so will i. I simply just break down. It's the little things that needs to assure me to go on in life. I can't seem to find a better way to comfort myself other than these little things.

These little tickling feelings make me feel nauseous and always get me all teared up, tensed up... it's sad, i'm sad. Maybe it's all these little busy moments that set me into that little sad mood. Maybe i'm just simply sad.

i need a holiday... a get away. Just to throw everything behind and relax on this little island with these little people. Just away... far far away... away from little things that i need, away from little needy me...

A hectic year ahead...

2006-05-21T21:45:00.000+08:00

I am weak:

The whole marketing thing has been really fun! i met lots of people and of course, it's one of the main idea on why i insisted on doing marketing. =) Wah! Mabel and Stella have finish their graduation show!

I'm trying to recall what happen the last 3 weeks. Time flies so fast that i can hardly take note of each passing day... I tend to fall sick when i work more than 12 hours... i've to change my eating habits and i need to build up my immune system.

I plan to buy a pair of track shoes when i get my next pay and of course, with a proper eating habit, i wan to lost that tummy of mine... and wear the set of new clothes and style. Holey moley, my dearest pink pig, he seems a little dazed than normal.

He must be terrified by the four kats that Baby beany and me bought. haha. Okay, i know that is very random but haha, its really funny! Hey, Baby beany and me might want to get a car... and we are opening a bank account soon. SO EXCITING!

We plan to go London next year, as Ivy mummy is going there with daddy Kahlap. =) YA! We can get FREE accomodation! Ah well, if the new car fall in, i might have to push the purchase of my phone to next month.

ahh, Alicia, Timo, Sanch, Mabel, Stella, Bev... Right, bev is going to China for work! SO lucky! ALL paid for! Well, looks like all on track... good for them, SO happy! Oh well, work again and i have my dates all packed up to next week!

i love you, beany!

i am myself.

2006-05-08T01:16:00.000+08:00

"the error of our ways":

As your eyes can carry you around my blog, i went to the Zoo... last week. HOT! AND STICKY! I had fun, it was a little different from the previous trip... a different kind of fun. =) Singapore Theatre Festival is coming.

It could only mean more work ahead. I went to the airport today. I had fun again. A different kind of fun again. I vividly remembered airport as a gathering place through my secondary days and an emotional let-out area for timo, sancher and me.

Today, it was more like 'i-miss-airport' day. Memories flashed back... i realised how much i've been through and things/matters/people are all different now. The dreams i once had, all seem so different... a different kind of adventure.

One dearest has departed from my sight... i could only wished her the very best and hopefully, she will come back into my zone... i know, when i passed by alley bar or the cine complexes or saw the tiny gifts she gave me, she will float into my mind.. my heart. Take care, pal.

AH-meng. The ah meng. My ah meng. 3 months? Has it been that short? Dearest Squishy, i adore you. Everything is still so baby in our relationship. i like that feeling. Was i excited in the future of us? SURE. Was i on top of the world? OH ABSOLUTELY!

I've to admit i was scared in the beginning of the relationship. The good scare... like when i come into a new surrounding scare... or errr... when i'm gonna stop school and find a whole new area scare... i'm fine! i'm good now.

Thank you. And cheers to Sancher and Prince, Timothy and Varain, Stella and Mabel, Beverly and Sheldon, Ruru and Andy, Feli and Shun Feng, Ziyun and [oops!forget name.] heh. TO the singles: Alicia, Kaini, Xueli, Grace, Rachel... all the best wishes... =)

kissing fishes...

2006-05-03T23:19:00.001+08:00

A whole family... J&E, T&V

2006-05-03T23:19:00.000+08:00

Nice b/g.

2006-05-03T23:18:00.000+08:00

eh?

2006-05-03T23:16:00.000+08:00

ZIP BRA!

2006-05-03T23:15:00.001+08:00

passive acts.

2006-05-03T23:15:00.000+08:00

who's the tallest?

2006-05-03T23:14:00.000+08:00

she's the man, he's the woman.

2006-05-03T23:13:00.000+08:00

i am as tall as Giraffe!

2006-05-03T23:12:00.001+08:00

hmm. new tribe dance in zoo?

2006-05-03T23:12:00.000+08:00

she's chatting with her friend, Mr.G.

2006-05-03T23:11:00.000+08:00

the giraffe VS my girlfriend

2006-05-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

Madonna, step aside! Varian is here!

2006-05-03T23:09:00.000+08:00

Moooaacccckks!

2006-05-03T23:07:00.000+08:00

HEAD NEWS: my ger attack my husband!

2006-05-03T23:06:00.001+08:00

trip?good!company?BEST!

2006-05-03T23:06:00.000+08:00

i know. i need to lose weight.

2006-05-03T23:05:00.001+08:00

i am happy.

2006-05-03T23:05:00.000+08:00

i love you, my top!

2006-05-03T23:04:00.000+08:00

us, to infinity and beyond!

2006-04-27T01:40:00.000+08:00

she, Jezamine Tan L.Y.

2006-04-27T01:39:00.001+08:00

me, Ellen Ng. R.C.

2006-04-27T01:39:00.000+08:00

NOT SHAGGING THE BROOM!

2006-04-27T01:38:00.002+08:00

Jailed!

2006-04-27T01:38:00.001+08:00

i am hurricane ellen!

2006-04-27T01:38:00.000+08:00

love's first kiss...

2006-04-27T01:36:00.001+08:00

Shoulders=mine!hair=mine!she=MINE! =p

2006-04-27T01:36:00.000+08:00

my beautiful girl... mine!

2006-04-27T01:35:00.000+08:00

my girl celebrating N.day [a wee-bit early.]hmm

2006-04-27T01:34:00.000+08:00

i aint touching the boobs!

2006-04-27T01:33:00.000+08:00

a whole damn ...

2006-04-20T12:51:00.000+08:00

... busy month!

Hello everyone, this blog has just been nominated for the most boring blog of the year. Mainly because i'm TOO busy to update. Hereby, i sincerely apologise and i will TRY to update once a month.

How are you? i've been great, busy but great. Life is exactly how i plan and it's going very smoothly. Love? Great. I would say "too good too be true." At times, i still feel like i'm living in a dream. Hopefully, i don't wake up so soon. I love her.

My best-kinda-friend, Rachel Goh. Ah-Goh, if you happen to see this entry, I'm sorry. Work has been piling up and i feel so bad neglecting you when i'm supposed to help you. I make it up. Till then, do enjoy your trip to Aussie and buy things for me, okay? heh.

My gay husband has a new boy! His name is V. Let's called him Mr V. He is very suave. Obviously knows the rules of communication, i gave him 7/10. Jeza, my girl gave 7 too but i protested, saying she copied my marks. SO, she gave 7.5/10. haha.

Now, i've a fixed income coming in and i feel the need to plan the future. Be it for myself or for her or for my family members... there's a need to do so. i LOVE to plan. BUT whether it will work or go accordingly to plan, it's another issue. =)

Okay, my lovely people, THE MAGIC FUNDOSHI is ending soon. DO come and see it at the Drama centre, The National Library. I'm free next week till the next event in June. I might be going to Bangkok or Bintan. hmm..

Love you. you know who you are... take care, lovely children...

Down

2006-03-10T00:58:00.000+08:00

To: Someone who's reading it.

If this following entry fits you, then it's you. If it happens to be a little loose or tight, then i'm afraid you're just forcing it to be you, wait for your next turn. Don't be so ugly. Very mah-lu. It's not you. Let go!

For many lessons in life, there's just one lesson i can't seem to master it very well. "The Art of holding back." I can never hold back my feelings very well. Maybe if i were to go for a circuit run, i might just fail the E-brake session.

My feelings just flow non-stop when i'm with my family, friends or even animals. As for my partner, that goes without saying. Ah well, might as well got hit really badly and let my full body (internal) heal slowly.

OF COURSE, depending on how badly i got hurt. The recovering stage can take up quite a lot of time to heal. Maybe by shopping for MORE new things would make my feelings be a little up-beat. I'm just a fool that lost its soul.

My life is getting better. I know! i can almost feel it traveling through my blood and all over my body. Maybe it's the lack of sleep that is making me feeling this weridly. haha. W!ld Rice. Indeed a wild job for me to handle. Ah well. 6 months! heh. heh. heh.

Good night, people. I'm surviving!

The sweet light no longer strikes against your eyes. Your shade has been banished to... the Seventh Level of Hell!

2006-03-04T18:05:00.000+08:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

I want to be happy.

2006-03-02T02:05:00.000+08:00

Oh Crap:

Jesus Christ on wooden sticks. Oh, high mighty. Are you freaking playing a joke on me? You let me see something so beautiful and keep threatening to take it away from me. Am i not good enough? No! If you're using this to test my endurance. I don't have much left...

For the rest of this week, i'm going to ponder on why, what and how. My mind gonna serach for all the reasons that is going to make me feel better. When it came up to a blank wall, I'll get desperate and started looking for signs of why, what and how. And hopefully, these why, what and how would lead me to a peaceful area.

It is all about insecurities, it seems. Perhaps even the lack of self-confidence on my part. But honestly, I was more concerned that she was with me for the wrong reasons. 3 times, it happened. And all i can think of, is try to make her feel all stress-less and let her know that i'm cool about it.

BUT obviously, i'm not cool about it! How crazy can i get?! I will seek my friends and start to analysis on where i went wrong, how idiot am i, how madly did i get so involved with her. I could write the most beautiful letter to her, it may not mean anything to her now. I could paint a river so graceful, it's nothing to me. I could sing a song that angels would play their harps with me, it does not matter anymore.

"Because you made me believe that I can do anything in my life. Nothing is impossible with you by my side. You gave me strength."

It felt so right, so good. it was uncomfortable, uneasy, knowing she did not know why. Not only could I lose her anytime to anybody she might fancy for the day if there was no reason to tie us together, I became suspicious that I was only a ride to her.

Nevertheless there was nothing I could do. I had to let it be and hope one day she would realise why. Love was just not good enough for a relationship. Not to me.

mademoiselle says: we're two people who love each other but can't be there for each other.
mademoiselle says: i'm going back to my old self now..
mademoiselle says: the time when u were still a dream
mademoiselle says: i've longed for ur real luv ever since the day u tore me apart
mademoiselle says: i will never see u as my friend..u'll probably be my lover for-life
mademoiselle says: a distant lover

Ninja says: i am defeated this time...i can't say anything now.

A garden in my heart

2006-02-20T19:37:00.000+08:00

Evedropping tips:

This is a love story that was told to never mention in this century. But i want it to be told as i'm going through a 'stubborn-stage'. A pig and cat tale. Holey Moley and Black Kat were strangers in their own little village.

Their paths cross everyday but they never knew each other existence. One day, Holey dreamt about Kat. That dream was being adopted and Holey kept it under his bed. On the other frame, Kat too dreamt about Holey. She too adopted the dream and had it wrapped up with beautiful ribbons and bell.

All the villagers were hoping for a tale to evolve. They were hoping for these two 'fishes' to get hook up. The wind quieted down. Everyone paused. The faces on the villagers can be seen quite clearly as their smiles were revealed. Birds chriping.

Their eyes met.

They've the most desirable kiss that any mortal would die for. The first time they met, it seems like they've known each other for a hundred years. They'll never forget that sudden pour of snow in the morning. It's like the works of a fairy. But who will believe in such a beautiful start?

Holey is very inferior, he does not socialise. Kat has flighty tendency. Someone has to hold someone else's hand.[Maybe you do not agree.] Maybe a little time, a little discipline. Holey should shift a little position and Kat make a little move. The hands clapped.

They dated in the rain, walked through the showers. Kat insisted that each hold a seperate brolly. It must be different from others too. Their own rhythm of rain-drops beat together, their happiness are different from others too.

One moody day, Holey went to discuss an issue with Mr. Moon. He want Mr. Moon to give Kat a full moon on her coming birthday. And he want Mr. Moon to smile as he glide across the window of hers. 'Please! Please!, Thank you! Thank you!', Holey pleaded.

------------------------almost the end---------------------

Do you know which is the most beautiful part in the human body?

The Heart.

The Mother duck and it's ducklings.

2006-02-13T03:52:00.000+08:00

So are we:

Remember when we were young and would be catching those cartoons that show Mother Duck and it's little ducklings following behind? Ya, i was awaken by my full bladder this afternoon and i found out that even though i'm 21 [stil in denial.], i still yearn for my parents...

Okay, it may not be like we need our parents' protection [some still do at times.], comfort, money, attention [not too much.], cooking [yummy!] all the time. As we are growing up, certain facts have change.BUT not all.

For instance, when i'm a baby, i cry for mummy and daddy when i can't see them around. As i moved on to being a toddler, i need mum and dad for support as i learned to walk. As i moved on to being a young child, i need my mummy and daddy to shield me from all the bullies[which NEVER happen to me before.]. I am lucky. haha.

Upon hitting teenage, i seek my parents' for their money and well, of course, sometimes for their approval on certain matters. Now, i am 21. I woke up this morning and found two adults [my brother and me does not count as adults in the family, if you know what i mean. heh] missing. I knew they were out, but i just want to know where they were.

I called them and asked about their whereabouts. It kinda reminded me on how my mum would called and pestered me on where i am. haha. Sometimes, i'm so used to mum calling me on the mobile everyday, there will be this particular day that she, for what ever reason, she never buzz me a single call!

I called her back myself and reported. heh. When i'm home, relaxing at my computer desk, trying to find some peace at home. Mum will come into my room and just sit there, watched me type non stop and well, just sit there. Sometimes, she nagged, i listen, she complain, i listen, she scold, i listen too.

I don't think i can live without them. Well, this noon, my brother woke up and called them too. He does not know that i've contacted them already. haha. My dad, an awesome man! NO man is like him. A kid at heart but a man man! My mum? A gentle yet hmm... she's a mum, alright! heh.

I love you, mummy and daddy and piglet!

Quailty Bored!

2006-02-05T04:16:00.000+08:00

what exactly is the difference between dating and a relationship?:

The girl that i am dating asked me this question, this afternoon. It was something that came so randomly. I took it seriously and answered: "to me, dating means that i'm not allow to call you my 'gf' YET & certain boundries can't cross."

Let me explain here. Dating. It may be just a mere term and to someone out there, this term might not even exist! Oh well, dating or relationship involves some levels of sensitivity and paranoia. During the 'dating process', you may only allow to use up to less den 50% of that stage. If you're over that 50%, you might as well called her your 'gf'.

Wel, she also added in 'level of commitment'. Maybe that's true but i always put in 100% before i date anyone. This so, i can be sure that i'm putting in 150% or more when i'm in the relationship with her. Call me old fashion or conservative, i don't give a fvck. When i want something to be done nicely, i want to make sure it's at least 100% if not, why bother. Waste of time.

I was chatting with Rach one day. I realised, i've never even mention to anyone at all about my ex anymore. haha. I laughed as i was relating to Rach. I used to rattle her alot to everyone. Now, i just laughed it along. I'm not being mean here. I've moved on. A great leap!

The familiar pain is here today. It has stopped ever since that woman stepped out of my life. But today, the hurt i got resembles the past. It's a good thing. It prove something. Only something close to my heart is able to give that amount of effect.

Maybe it's not that important after-all. Whose heart are brand new? Maybe it's the wrong time, right place? Or wrong time, wrong place? It has been very kind of him, to introduce such a lady to me. I'm thankful, so thankful that everynight, i pray for his kindness. "Too good to be true."

I understood.

This is random.

2006-01-27T02:39:00.000+08:00

Living with hope:

If i'm forced to conceive of my own death, i can only imagine myself being killed. I cannot conceive of my own death, except as somebody or something coming and destroying me. Have you thought of how to end your life?

Happiness is when you get to share a tube of toothpaste, a bathroom and a bed with the special one. The yellow faded photo hidden with tons of memories of ours. A new beginning feels like being in a stranger's car, travelling down the route you recognised, viewing the scenery you've seen, listening to the familiar music on the radio.

Thus, i realised i'm living in a big place. which is so big. So many routes, we've not passed. So many scenes, we've not see. And, those songs, oh, those everyday songs that i've not forgotten. I'll soak in a bath. It puts me in such a frame that i might enjoy the past.

Every song, there are your memories and mine too. Your smile imprinted every page of the song lyrics. So, ten years down the road, if this certain song of ours are to be played, i'll remember you. IF you and me are meant to be soul-mates, the growing path will never be alone again.

Happy or sad, it's of you.

Freedom+Happiness

2006-01-22T16:07:00.000+08:00

what do i get in return?:

Here i am staring at my own space. I had in mind what to write but all was disorganised. I looked back at all the photos, the past, the present. Looking back at the friends that i have and had. The girls that i've dated and the lame-less countless mistakes that i've made.

How many perfectly fine women am i gonna reject over the MOST superficial, insignificant things? Too loud, too smart, too tall, big gums, makes nosie when she eats... i may have exaggerated but this is me. This is what i do. I'm gonna end up alone! Look at all the train-stops, i'm gonna pull through. Bitter-town -> Alone-ville -> Hermit-junction!

What if i never find somebody, or even worst what if i already found her, but i dumped her because she mis-pronounce "supposedly"?! All my friends gonna get married and i end up alone. Promise me, my dear friends, when you guys are all happily married, DO invite me over for holidays.

I'm gonna die alone. Now, all i've to do is to get a snake. If i'm gonna be an old lonely woman, and i'm gonna need 'a thing'. You know, I'b crazy woman with snake. Crazy Snake Woman! And i'll get more snakes, called them my babies, kids will walked past my place, they'll run! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE WOMAN!

Crazy me! I reject anyone who's crazy enough to go out with me and i bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there! ARGH! I've no idea why i blogged about this whole facts, maybe because it has been in my heart for quite sometime and i've no courage to face it. Well, i did, last night to someone. =) The perfection of the imperfect.

Maybe i do know what i want now. Maybe most people don't have a clue. I'm ready to take risks, ready to be vulnerable all over again and be intimate with someone. I'M NOT GONNA END UP ALONE! I'm ready to make an commitment.[maybe?=)] heh. We'll see, my friends... we'll see...

it got me.

2006-01-18T05:02:00.000+08:00

deeply:

The last few days got me thinking on alot of stuffs. My school, my emotions, my family, my friends... i've to admit i'm SUPER lazy now. With regards to anything... i want/wish to explain why but i feel that my life has reached a point that it's rejecting EVERYTHING!

I always thank God for alot of things [i do!]. I know i'm lucky, okay, i do abuse my luck at times and try to push a little further on it. But the fact that i know and i appreaciate! My social life still pretty much the same. The motto: Drink and have fun.

I met this girl. Normally, i would try my best to understand and open myself up to another stranger. But with her, it's all jokes and i listen. Not that i don't listen in the past, it's more like a 1 way than a 2-way relationship for now. It's bad. i can't help it. Re-issue a new heart to me then.

Her eyes. Big. Intense. I adore the dimple[s]. The smile. The piercing she had on her collar bone. [Did i mention Rach find it very sexy? haha.] Her strong features... ok, i'm not talking about some apes here. She's authentic. She speaks with the strong English accent. Smells wonderfully gorgeous. The scent suits her. Do i sound like i'm crazily over her? I should be BUT i'm not.

It explains: The sad case of ELLEN. I'm not jaded. I'm not heart broken. I'm not, not moving on. I'm plain lazy. I went out with her a couple of times [okok, 2 times.], she's she. She, we talked about everything, anything. She, we msn and sms to each other. From studio apartments to ex[s] to drinks to family[?]... like i mention, she talks and i listen.

Sad Ellen is being very surface about this whole issue. I met up with her few hours ago. We[Ashley, Xinning, Gerkiel, Rachel, She & me] went drinking at Indo Chine. She being she bought my usual sweets for me. Two packs! She being she respected me. Certain times, i do not want to share my past, she did not probe. She being she ... got me ... thinking about her...

My mind is replaying every moment of the scene when she mention that she did something to her wonderful self. I wasn't scare nor was i taken aback. NOONE is perfect and i apply that to God as well. She wasn't proud of it, i know. Because i saw. I felt it at that moment.

One thing for sure, she had me thinking about her more than usual... =)

My Grand Mummy.

2006-01-12T14:24:00.000+08:00

I love her:

My Grandma, the person i hated in half of my twenty one years in life. 3 years ago, she was wheel-chair bound. I had a total different prospect of her all over again. Now, she is hospitalised and everytime i stare closely at her...

My brother and me were brought up by my grand-parents. I always prefer my grand-daddy to grandma. I've no idea why but even now, i still prefer my dad to mum. Maybe because i'm a lady and the biological terms just click.

1994, my grandpa passed away. That kinda mark the starting of my hatred for grandma. In my vision, noone will ever shower me with candies and protect me from caning like grandpa did. I miss him.

Grandma adores my brother more than me. You know, like the old saying goes... Men are the ones that KINDA continue the family name...etc. So, ya... i became really rebellious and my war with her started.

I started to steal money from her. I could not make out why i would steal, i've more than enough to spend. Maybe the occasional biased 'charity' she give out tempted me to. She is so freaking biased that she can [infront of brother & me] gave him $5 and me a few cents? I was like, 'what the hell was that?! you might as well just keep that!'

The laughable scene was she can get so irritating, she can just wake up really early and open the room curtains. According to her, fresh air is what we needed. She can be so paranoid when she has a slight headache. She'll called the whole kampong down and demand 102% attention!

Now, she is this helpless lady. This lady, i was looking at her for 2 hours yesterday. And since she have been hospitalised, i can't helped but tears just swell up at my eyes. I love her when i played my dancing flower and a smile will appear on her face. or when i held Holey moley, she will request it to be by her side.

Untrained Ninja:she is holdin holey moley the whole time
Untrained Ninja: =) thks timo
Untrained Ninja: she loves holey alot
Untrained Ninja: when i took holey away frm her.. in the ward cos the nurse cleanin her up... thru the glass window, she was stretchin her hands n kinda askin for holey...
tog: isit? so cute! hahaa
tog: serious?
Untrained Ninja: ya. the nurses all ask, "is that a pig?"
Untrained Ninja: haha
tog: =) i really hope she gets btr

Tomorrow, she is going through her operation. Please pray for her. I got a bad feeling on it. But doctor recomended. She have the risk of having heart failure during the operation. I want her to get better. I love you, grand mummy.

A day of Toffee

2006-01-08T01:29:00.000+08:00

Love him so much that my heart...:

I'm missing Toffee as i'm writing this blog entry. He is my soul, my life... my man! =) Well, reaching two years of his life... he sure is ready for a girlfriend and i'm expecting to see little pups hopping around the house... =)

I went down to Chinatown for the opening ceremony. As Avril's mum know the MP of that area. We got the VIP seats although it was raining and not much of the VIP treatment around...unlike our M.M, Father Lee. He has nice seating where rain can't get him. With much respect to you sir...

Good View and great fireworks! After the whole show, i'm back home here. Drank alittle, and am wondering what should i be doing ... i want to sleep but i can't. Avril was msn-ing with me typing this: omg... i'm so dying of lust! [who isnt?!]

tsk tsk, lady... chill lah. You've Toffee by your side. Aiyo. 14th Jan, Mabel's mum wedding day. 21st Jan, Cat's belated birthday celebration... Another week, Chinese New Year... My January weekend(s) all burn out!

Hey. Rach coming over tomorrow. heh. wel, at least something to keep me up on my toes. haha. That silly woman... Alright. i'm tired... as usual. I should rest. Night Toffee, Night Holey Moley...Night, Untrained Ninja. Night, you.

Toffee is my name

2006-01-08T01:24:00.001+08:00

Goodbye Toffee.I miss you.

2006-01-08T01:24:00.000+08:00

I'm super model DOG!

2006-01-08T01:22:00.001+08:00

ya. he is...tired.

2006-01-08T01:22:00.000+08:00

Toffee tired...of my nagging.

2006-01-08T01:20:00.000+08:00

kiss him twice

2006-01-08T01:18:00.000+08:00

kiss him once...

2006-01-08T01:17:00.000+08:00

Drama Part i:

2006-01-08T01:16:00.000+08:00

love toffee

2006-01-08T01:15:00.002+08:00

Drama Part ii:

2006-01-08T01:15:00.001+08:00

heart warming moments.

2006-01-08T01:15:00.000+08:00

I started to chat-up with Toffee.

2006-01-08T01:14:00.000+08:00

Toffee seems to understand...

2006-01-08T01:13:00.001+08:00

Play and play... until

2006-01-08T01:13:00.000+08:00

haha. Shhh...

2006-01-08T01:12:00.000+08:00

Toffee smells good...

2006-01-08T01:09:00.001+08:00

Playing with Toffee

2006-01-08T01:09:00.000+08:00

Toffee still knows me...

2006-01-08T01:08:00.001+08:00

toffee:One of his sexy pose.

2006-01-08T01:08:00.000+08:00